Steffen Trumpf/picture alliance via Getty Images
OSLO (The Borowitz Report)—The committee tasked with awarding next year’s Nobel Peace Prize will deduct points from any candidate who has denied people food, a Nobel spokesperson announced on Sunday.
The spokesperson, Halvard Dorrinström, explained how the scoring system works, using the hypothetical example of someone who withheld food from 42 million people.
“That person would lose 42 million points,” he said.
Offering further insight into their deliberative process, Dorrinström said the committee would “instantly disqualify” any candidate who blew up random fishing boats for no apparent reason.
READ: How This Shitshow Ends
Andrew Harnik/Getty
Right after the nightmarish 2024 election, I made some predictions about how Trump 2.0 would crash and burn. What did I get right and what did I miss? Read here.
As corporate media bend their knee to our deranged wannabe dictator, I have never been more grateful that I don’t work for one of these craven companies. I work for you.
From The Borowitz Report via this RSS feed