Hell is empty and all the devils are here. In a transparent attempt to get harried videogame news writers to write bewildered articles (touché, Microsoft), Xbox has partnered with Crocs to release an “exclusive collection” of atrocious branded footwear.

I fully concede that I’ve fallen into the trap on this one, but can you blame me? Look at those things. “Ready up with this controller-meets-clog design that reimagines the iconic Xbox controller with fixed buttons and joysticks into the perfect shoe for couch co-op and kicking back,” goes the Xbox marketing blurb, like it’s describing something perfectly normal and not an abrogation of humanity’s duty to treat the Earth’s fruits with care and respect.

The part I find most displeasing, personally, are the analogue sticks, which arise like malignant fungal nodules from the dorsa of both of your feet. On the plus side, I guess the clogs as a whole do look quite breathable.

The Crocs go on sale on November 25 (which is today), which I hope is not useful information for you, and will cost $80. The package you get “includes a 5-pack of Xbox + Jibbitz charms featuring fan-favourite characters and icons from Halo, Fallout, DOOM, World of Warcraft, and Sea of Thieves.” The charms look fine, to be fair, if you’re into charms.

(Image credit: Microsoft / Crocs)

The question that must be asked, of course, is ‘Are these an Xbox?’ Has Microsoft’s mad quest to slap the Xbox name on anything and everything led it down this dark road from which I fear there’s no return? I think that may be the case. This is what we get for not being excited enough about Don Mattrick’s plans to turn the Xbox One into a set-top box or something.

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