"I'm going to hand out big dicks to little-dick ICE agents." The Geneva Convention disintegrated. The Founding Fathers wept. Somewhere, a federal HR manager clutched their chest and whispered, "No. Not like this." [...] Across the barricades stood a row of cops in riot gear. Helmets. Batons. Armor. Gas masks. High-vis jackets. The full authoritarian cosplay kit. They looked like they were ...

“I’m going to hand out big dicks to little-dick ICE agents.”

The Geneva Convention disintegrated. The Founding Fathers wept. Somewhere, a federal HR manager clutched their chest and whispered, “No. Not like this.” […]

Across the barricades stood a row of cops in riot gear. Helmets. Batons. Armor. Gas masks. High-vis jackets. The full authoritarian cosplay kit. They looked like they were guarding nuclear launch codes. They were guarding a hotel lobby full of ICE agents who were about to be spiritually obliterated by a box of clearance-bin dicks.

We opened the box.

The first dildo flew through the air like a rubber prophecy and skidded to a stop directly at the boots of a state trooper.

And that’s when the United States government lost its entire fucking mind.

Before anyone could even laugh properly, before a second dildo could achieve liftoff, before reality had time to process the absurdity of what had just happened, the cops panicked like Victorian men seeing an ankle.

Tear gas.

Pepper balls.

Instant chaos.

The very first rubber dick to touch government-issued leather boots triggered a full-blown chemical weapons response. That is not metaphor. That is not exaggeration. That is a literal sentence that happened in America in 2026. […]

ICE agents peeked out of hotel windows like scared children witnessing a public execution, except the execution was their dignity and the executioner was a $5 clearance dildo. Arianne was still smiling – not because it was funny, not because it was cute, but because she knew, in her bones, that we had just cracked reality in half.

We didn’t even get to the full distribution phase before they freaked out. The mere presence of one dildo at their feet was enough to trigger chemical weapons. That’s how paper-thin their authority is. That’s how little it takes to make them go full riot-cop meltdown mode. […]

We proved that you can bring a trillion-dollar security apparatus to its knees with one well-aimed rubber cock.

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