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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Mark Kelly released a new online video on Thursday reminding the nation’s bartenders that they are allowed to refuse Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s orders. Staring stonily into the camera, the former astronaut warned that, if Hegseth appears to be above the legal blood-alcohol limit, any additional drink request would constitute an illegal order. “Our laws are clear: you can refuse illegal orders,” he told the bartenders. “You must refuse illegal orders.”Kelly concluded the video with one final urgent plea to the mixologists: “If Hegseth’s behavior is belligerent, his words are slurred, and his makeup is smeared, you must refuse his orders.”
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