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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Portraying himself as a staunch pacifist at his Senate confirmation hearing on Wednesday, DHS nominee Markwayne Mullin said that anyone who claimed he had anger-management issues would get “kicked in the face.”
“I believe that every dispute should be settled peacefully,” Mullin said. “And if anyone questions my sincerity about that, I’ll shove my fist down their throat and tear out their lungs.”
He took issue with Sen. Rand Paul’s characterization of him as someone who advocates political violence, stating, “Say that again, Four Eyes, and I’ll rip off your stupid goggles, grind them under my shoe, and make you eat the glass.”
In a boost for the nominee, outgoing DHS Secretary Kristi Noem endorsed the Oklahoma senator, asserting, “Markwayne Mullin has what it takes to fulfill all my duties, including killing defenseless pets.”
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