In the USA, turnout for midterm elections is typically around 40 percent, a figure so embarrassingly low I blush while typing it. The causes of this pathetic participation rate are many, but one that should not be ignored is the prevalence of vicious and often silly attack ads and commercials. The cumulative effect of seeing several dozen slander-slinging commercials every day is to make the whole political system appear so rotten that only a fool would endorse it by voting. Hence, most do not.
But let’s get real. The political obloquy field is a lucrative one, and there’s no reason, other than common decency, why CounterPunch readers shouldn’t get in on the game. And I’m here to help.
The commercials all follow the same template (or AI algorithm), which I’ve sketched out, below. By tailoring this simple model to your clients, you too can become a top-dollar political consultant, accusing total strangers of sins ranging from aggravated adultery to zealous xenophobia. Just remember the ad world’s magic formula: The lower you sink, the higher you’ll rise.
Ad Concept: Steve Shmoo Is an Enemy of God and Man
(ominous, minor-key music, stentorian voice)
Narrator: Steve Shmoo … says he wants to be your neighborhood crossing guard.
(Blurry footage of unrecognizable figures crossing street — caption at bottom: “Authentic re-enactment.”)
Narrator: Fact: On June 21st, 2003, Steve Shmoo crossed without objection a man bearing a glancing resemblance to Jeffrey Epstein. IS THIS THE MAN YOU WANT CROSSING YOUR DAUGHTER?
(Speeded-up montage of bills stacked in briefcase, mafia-type guys exchanging money in a grungy men’s room, Indy 500 crash, faces of terrified children, smoking ruin of a wrecked car.)
Narrator: Fact: Steve Shmoo has repeatedly accepted single-digit campaign contributions from the cousin of a grade-school friend of a bail bondsman who as recently as 1993 bonded out a known speeder. KNOWN SPEEDER. What sort of example is Steve Shmoo setting for our children?
(Picture of coarse, heavy-browed, sneering face, labeled Steve Shmoo.)
Narrator: Steve Shmoo. Hypocrite. Scoundrel. Predator. Fiend.
(Pictures of bandaged, cast-wearing children in hospital beds, then of Steve Shmoo, smirking.)
Narrator: Steve Shmoo. UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED.
(Picture of serenely smiling woman bathed in light with eyes aimed heavenward, wearing a yellow vest and brandishing a “Stop” paddle next to face of Steve Shmoo. Scary music abruptly shifts to angelic choir.)
Narrator: It’s time Main Street had a crossing guard who embraces good, not evil. Vote for Fanny Fiddlestyx.
Brought to you by Citizens for Safe Crosswalks, not associated in any way with Fanny Fiddlestyx, who remains unaware of this ad and would be shocked if she knew.
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