It is 2029. You wake up and rush to turn on your gold Trump TV with its gold remote to hear the mandatory Trump Two Minute Hate. Something about Biden again even though he’s been dead for 2 years now. At least it’s not about the trans immigrants at the Trump-Mexico border.

You wait obediently for the tirade to end and swallow your RFK Jr.-approved TrumpRx beef supplements. You grab your gold Trump phone and get in your gold Trump truck that only takes Trump super leaded diesel at $9 a gallon and gets 10 MPG. You watch the obligatory display ad (Trump Credit - new low 51% APR!) before you are allowed to start. You take the Trump expressway, the one with the tolls every five miles, because you’re running late to your job at the Trump Department of Trump.

When you arrive, the Trump TV is already on. In fact it’s always on, it’s illegal for any government office not to have a Trump TV on. You are immediately assaulted with a close up of Best President Trump’s drooling, age-spot riddled strokeface as an interpreter gleefully translates his spastic gurgles as an announcement of his intention to add a Trump dome (gold, of course) to the Trump wing of the Trump House, and also there may be a slight six month delay in pay to Trump Department of Trump employees due to budget restructuring.

OK, then. So today’s the day. You go to your gold desk, open the gold drawer, pull out your Trump-issue gold Trump gun, load the gold bullets and put it to your temple. After a moment’s hesitation, you pull the trigger, but the gun jams. Then you remember, it’s Trump gold. You put your head down on the desk and weep, even as your coworkers rise for the 9 A.M. Trump of Allegiance.

Right, there’s the Epstein Ballroom, and the Epstein war, and the new Epstein bedroom in the White House, and the Epstein economy, stupid.