LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Before I begin this article, I must point out that I fully support the police dragging away old ladies on zimmerframes. I actually think it’s brilliant when they wheel away wheelchair users. I get positively aroused when they get blind people in chokeholds, and don’t get me started on what I think about retired vicars. Plasticine Action is a terrorist organisation and anyone who thinks otherwise should be driven into the sea.

Okay, now that I’ve got the legal jargon out the way, I think I’m safe to assume Yvette Cooper won’t be turning up at my door to break my legs… I hope. Yvette received a generous £210,000 from a pro-Israeli lobbyist and people will do anything for that sort of money.

So anyway, the Met Police were involved in another titanic battle with frail elderly people at the weekend. The old folks came out in such force that the scenes outside Westminster were like a zombie apocalypse. Officers were so overwhelmed that at one point they got confused and arrested a mannequin. A fucking mannequin. You probably think that’s a joke, but the mannequin thing really happened.

Police made a record 890 terror arrests, although I’m unclear if the mannequin counts towards that total, or if an embarrassed pen pusher sheepishly corrected the figure. Either way, it’s 889 or 890 - and that’s a record.

Police made four times more counter-terrorism arrests in a single day than they make in an average year, and the crazy thing is not one of the people they arrested was a terrorist. Not even Reverend Sue Parfitt, the 83-year-old retired vicar who they keep getting involved in life or death struggles with.

Yes, Sue Parfitt was back again, and yes, the police pretended she was a terrorist again, and they arrested her again. What do you even say?

The organisers of the demonstration, Defend Our Juries, have insisted it was “the picture of peaceful protest”, but police are claiming that 17 of the arrests were for assaulting a police officer. Given the average age of those arrested was about 92, I’m finding that hard to believe.

Okay, maybe I’m being ageist here. Maybe Sue Parfitt has got more about her than I realised. Would I be committing a crime if I high-fived her? Because I really want to. Not for anything Plasticine Action related though, I hate Plasticine Action. I just think it’s really impressive that someone of Sue’s age has such get up and go. I’m half her age and I don’t have the energy for this protest malarky.

You probably didn’t notice, but the UK has a new Home Sectretary and this presented the perfect opportunity to say maybe we’ve got the balance of this law wrong. Maybe a proscription that causes us to make record numbers of arrests of the most harmless members of society is a tad nuts. Maybe we should quietly amend the legislation and hope everyone forgets how ridiculous we were.

But no, Shabana Mahmoud is doubling down. The silver-haired brigade are, in fact, terrorists, don’t you know.

Shabana got herself ratioed to death when she felt the need to suicidally tweet the following: “Supporting Palestine and supporting a proscribed terrorist group are not the same thing.”

Supporting Israel and supporting a genocidal regime are very much the same thing, and no arrests are being made for that…

Police are gloating that the frail pensioners they arrested could be looking at six months imprisonment, although in many cases they could probably be returned to their care homes. I mean do we really need to be protected from people who can’t stand unaided?

It seems no one is safe from arrest for having a conscience these days, not even Jews who take the words “never again” seriously. A daughter of a holocaust survivor was arrested while she was being interviewed by Novara Media, for God’s sake.

In fairness to police, some officers have privately admitted to Novara that they feel ashamed by the arrests and even their managers don’t support the legisation, but they’re obligated to uphold the law.

Now that’s all well and good, but they do realise this is fascism, right? And when fascism arrives, “just following orders” is not an acceptable defence.

Police have been arresting people for wearing Plasticine Action t-shirts because even taking the piss out of draconian legislation is terrorism, but thankfully, Plasticine Action’s leader, who is known only to authorities as “Morph” is still on the run. I’m no detective, but I’d bet my life he’s hiding in Sue Parfitt’s garden shed.

Perhaps the weirdest aspect of all this is how actual proscribed terror groups are allowed to hold marches. The Ulster Volunteer Force, for example, held a march in Belfast on 12 July this year without a single arrest being made. It seems police know the difference between protest and terrorism and they apply the law selectively. It genuinely looks like they are being so heavy-handed to protect Israel. What other explanation could there possibly be?

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