Human brains seem hardwired to defer to authority figures for morality decisions. Thousands of years after Aristotle made a first stab at defining an objective stance on morals, humans are seemingly no closer to agreeing on a universal system for what is and isn’t the right thing to do.

So we fall back on the wisdom of the ancients. If you are religious, you have a fairly clear text-book which says what you are not allowed to eat. There are hundreds of commentaries by learned men0 concerning all the edge cases. If you make a mistake, you can speak to a religious leader for absolution.

Non-religious dietary preferences don’t have that backstop.

Let’s say that you’ve decided to go vegan. What is and isn’t vegan? Who decides on that?

In the UK, the Vegan Society has a complex history. It is, at best, an advocacy group rather than the final arbiter of veganism. They cannot expel you from being vegan. They cannot whip you in the town square if you eat honey1. You cannot beg them for forgiveness if you accidentally eat seven cheeseburgers2.

This trips up a lot of new veggies. If they transgress, they jump onto forums and group chats showing remorse and being utterly distraught. This is a calamity! They’ve accidentally broken the rules and need either punishment or a way to make amends. Forgive me Greenfather, for I have sinned.

To which the older and more seasoned3 meat-dodgers look on with benevolent bemusement. There is no one available to forgive you other than yourself. The only absolution is to try a little harder next time. No one will ostracise you; there’s nothing to be ostracised from.

Is eating “meat shaped” things OK? That’s up to you, chief!

Should I throw out the leather jacket I got before I switched? Your choice, pal!

Can I say a prayer to rid me of the temptation of a 2am kebab? If you want to, bossman!

The problem is, that’s hard. Continually making decisions is cognitively taxing. That’s why we gravitate to morality systems like religion, the Free Software Foundation, and CAMRA. The issues have been thrashed out over decades, there are simple to follow guides, we can outsource our thinking to responsible adults.

To be clear, I’m not the Vegan Morality Police. I don’t care what you do or don’t eat. Enjoy that fricassée of dolphin if you want. There’s no vengeful vegan god who will deny you entry into vegan heaven4.

Elective morality systems which aren’t enforced by social or physical violence are rare. Our delicious meaty brains aren’t used to them.

And they are nearly always men. ↩︎

Indeed, they flip-flopped on whether honey was vegan or not for several years. ↩︎

It was late and I was drunk, OK?! ↩︎

I recommend a pinch of paprika with some MSG. ↩︎

Where the clouds are made of tofu and there’s a tuna-substitute which actually tastes good. ↩︎

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