Nothing says “dark nights coming in” like Strictly Come Dancing being back on our screens. I’m not ashamed to admit that Strictly is one of my favourite TV shows ever, I bloody love the cheese and will judge a paso doble in my hoodie with my zero dance experience with the best of them.
Strictly Come Canary (maybe)
One big change that is happening for me this autumn is that I’ve gone full-time at the Canary, you’ve probably noticed I’m popping up a lot more and branching out from raging about how disabled people are treated to also raging about how women, poor people, and trans people are treated. And while I do have a lot of rage in me, one thing I don’t get to write about much is TV.
So, I’m so excited to launch my weekly Strictly column here on the Canary!
Every week, I’ll be recapping the best, worst and most ridiculous bits of the show. You’re probably thinking that a Strictly round-up isn’t very Canary, but along with the silliness, I’ll also be discussing representation and the reactions to the show, for better or worse.
I do, however, need your help. The column doesn’t YET have a fixed name. I went with ‘Strictly Come Canary’, but it’s a bit naff, isn’t it? So please send us your suggestions, and the most ridiculous one will probably get it.
So on with the show! As the first live show of the series is coming tomorrow, I wanted to ease you in by recapping last week’s show, where the celebrities (and that term will be stretched a lot) got paired up with their professional dancer partners.
The Strictly launch show: as camp and cringe as ever
The show opens with a horrifically cringe opener where they’re all dancing around a pool, but I quickly forgot about how cringe this all was when we cut to the studio and my fave pro (of course I have a fave pro) Kai is lifting fellow dancer Dianne above his head in a very tight black vest. I want to point out here that I will be excusing a lot in this series if the pro dancer has their arms or chest out. I make no apologies here.
The new Strictly celebs join at the end of the dance, and at this point, I feel like a Sharon on Facebook going “who’s that??”, because I’m having trouble telling these white men who are pretending to have personalities apart. The only man who stands out, for the wrong reasons, is Tom Skinner, who already looks absolutely fucked – but we’ll get to him later.
Hosts Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman welcome the judges, and they all celebrate that the judges are all sharing a desk again. For the last few years, the judges have all had their own individual desks after being split up at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. This honestly feels like another typical healthy people celebration of being “glad it’s all over”. Despite us being in the middle of another COVID-19 wave.
The celebs and their pros
The Strictly stars are welcomed, and this year we have:
Harry Aikines-Aryeetey: a multi-gold medal-winning Olympic sprinter, better known for having humongous muscles and being Nitro on the rebooted Gladiators.
Dani Dyer: daughter of Danny Dyer, and also a winner of Love Island one year. Dani got injured during training after this was filmed, so she will not be in the show.
Alex Kingston: actress responsible for many millennial and Gen Z women’s queer awakenings who played River Song in Doctor Who.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink: filling up the “ex footballer” slot.
Balvinder Sopal: filling up the Eastenders slot.
George Clarke: not to be confused with the fella off the Channel 4 house programmes (I was disappointed too), this one is an influencer, apparently.
La Voix: drag performer known for coming second on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK. La Voix isn’t actually the first drag queen on the show; Tayce was in last year’s Christmas special, but I’m very excited that we’ve got a queen on the main show.
Chris Robshaw: ex rugby player, apparently. I did warn you about all the white men whom I haven’t bothered to care about yet.
Ellie Goldstein: actor, model and influencer. Ellie is the first Strictly contestant ever living with Down syndrome. I’m very excited to see how she does, less excited for how much she’s going to get patronised.
Thomas Skinner: ex Apprentice contestant and right-wing prick. Interestingly, this show was filmed before the truth about Tom’s affair came out, but he was already a controversial prick, sorry I mean pick, because of his views on Twitter.
Vicky Pattinson: presenter and podcast host, best known for Geordie Shore.
Stefan Dennis: or as he’s better known, Paul Robinson from the iconic Australian soap Neighbours.
Ross King: gossip columnist off the Lorraine show.
Karen Carney: we have two ex-footballers this year, but we care about this one because women’s football is objectively better.
Lewis Cope: a late addition to the show, stepping in for Hodor from Game of Thrones, who injured himself before the celebs were paired with their pros. Genuinely think this was just the first person who answered the phone, but he’s from Emmerdale, apparently.
Amber Davies: A SUPER late addition, in fact, she was announced while I was writing this. The musical theatre star will be replacing Dani at the last minute.
The first five on this year’s Strictly
Straight into it, the first five celebs meet their Strictly pros. The first five are Chris, who I wrote in my notes as “rugby player I wanna say Chris, not bad looking tbf”, La Voix, girl Dani, the one off Emmerdale and gossip columnist Ross.
The pairings from this round are Ross King and Jowita, Lewis Cope and Katya, Chris Longshaw and Nadiya, Dani Dyer and Nikita and La Voix and Aljaž.
There’s a heartbreaking moment just after they’re paired up where La Voix asks Aljaž if he’s disappointed to be paired with them. In this cesspit of a country where drag queens are derided and painted as all sorts of vile things, it’s awful that that had to be their first thought. In their VTs before they meet their pros, La Voix nervously spoke about how they’re looking forward to the public getting to know them out of drag.
Other highlights from the post pairings are Nadiya straight out of the bat bragging about winning world championships, Katya’s accent already starting to float off somewhere up north with a celeb from Hartlepool and Ross saying he’s the bookies’ fave to go home first, which no doubt definitely changed in the week after this was filmed.
Dani has since had to pull out due to an injury during training after this was filmed, so Nikita will now be dancing with Amber Davies.
New dancers and more pairing chaos
We’re then introduced to the two new Strictly dancers, Alexis and Julian. The dance sequence apparently lasted so long that when they emerge from underwater, it’s dark outside now. Julian is Australian, and he says he was most excited to be on this series because growing up, one of his favourite shows was Geordie Shore. He then proceeds to do an of course truly terrible Geordie impression, and Vicky looks at him with the expression I reserve for people who shout “AW WHEY EYE MANN” when they find out where I’m from.
And then we’re onto the next five celebs being paired up with, between Ellie Goldstein, Alex Kingston, Vicky Pattinson, Karen Carney and Balvinder Sopel, all of which I actually really like. At this point in my notes, I wrote “I am very fucking here for Alex Kingston, there I said it”.
Before we cut to VT Vicky Pattinson says she’s “buzzing like an old fridge” then calls Claudia a girls girl for getting up pictures of her dog to help make her feel like nervous, Alex says her “Sheets were carnage” after her spray tan and Karen Carney reveals that she literally got stuck in her dancer heels the first time she tried them on around the house.
The pairings this time are Alex and Johannes, Vicky and Kai, Ellie and Vito, Karen and Carlos, and Balvinder gets the new Aussie Julian.
Alex Kingston speaks in German to judge Motsi, and it’s very erotic, also Kai says “haway the lads” (a famous north east phrase) and I feel completely normal about that.
Last four and some inspo porn
Jessie J is there for some reason, and then we have the traditional final Strictly performance from last year’s winners. Last year, the show was, of course, won by Dianne and the first blind contestant, Chris McCausland.
I really enjoyed seeing Chris and Dianne work together and showcase the ways that accessibility enabled blind and disabled people to participate. Which is why it was really annoying that Chris said “we made them forget about my disability” when the whole point of it at the time was showing what disabled people could do when they’re supported and given equal opportunities.
The final set of celebs to be paired are Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Nitro off Gladiators, Paul Robinson, fucking Tom Skinner and (as I wrote in my notes) “George Clarke but not the hot one who builds houses”.
Tom Skinner mentions how much his kids and family mean to him, and I really don’t need to say it, do I? Elsewhere, JFH doesn’t understand British humour, and I can already tell that’s going to be one of my favourite things this series. Also, Nitro gets his pecs out, for some reason, but not a single person is complaining.
The final pairings are Tom Skinner and Amy, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey (Nitro) and Karen, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, Stefan Dennis and Dianne and George Clarke and new dancer Alexis.
To say that the viewers are upset about Amy being landed with Tom is an understatement. Amy is not only an absolute sweetheart, but she also battled cancer and lives with Crohn’s, which is why it feels extra cruel that she’s been paired with this absolute bastard. In my opinion, the logic is either that the public’s love of Amy will rub off on him or he’ll be out soon, meaning a shorter series for her. I suspect it’s the latter.
Speaking of which, their interview with Tess and Claudia is as carnage as you’d expect, Tom makes me vom in my mouth by calling her inspirational and causes Amy to pull the ultimate reaction meme face when he describes his “traditional” breakfast. Conversely, putting the two Aussies, Stefan and Dianne, together was incredible casting, with Dianne already calling him Stefo.
I am really looking forward to this Strictly series and this column
And finally, we get the first Strictly dance, which is the usual amount of fucking chaos, Tom Skinner makes everyone’s vaginas close up whether they have them or not, and we see how the others could do for the first time.
My predictions for the top three at this VERY early stage, and TBH mostly guided by who I fancy the most, are Vicky and Kai, Alex and Johannes and Nitro and Karen, but who knows what we’ll see when they all finally get the chance to shine this weekend.
Come back on Sunday for more Strictly Come Whatever-we’re-calling-this!
Featured image supplied
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